


Holly Golightly to Mariana Foster, age 15.

by amoama



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Extras, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 19:39:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1316848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoama/pseuds/amoama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mariana is a little distracted in class thinking about her own name while Timothy is trying to introduce the class to Breakfast at Tiffany's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holly Golightly to Mariana Foster, age 15.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sabrina_il (marina)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marina/gifts).



_"No matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”_

_" The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?”_

Mariana Foster, age 15. Set out on the page the words look strangely divorced from who she is. Can that be her? That was the name the teacher called out in class today and she'd answered, "Here," like every other day. Timothy is talking about Truman Capote but Mariana is only half listening. She's already decided, when she gets married, she'll make her husband take her name. She's had enough trouble figuring out who Mariana Foster is going to be, she doesn't want to go to all that trouble of reinventing herself again. Chase Foster would have had a good ring to it. If he hadn't turned out to be such a loser! 

She remembers Mariana Foster, age 5. She'd scribbled it on everything. She'd got tangled up with Jesus under the blankets and whispered in disbelief, "Two Mommys?" She hadn't understood much about lesbians and what that would mean when her classmates found out. It just meant that someone had noticed she didn't have a mother and decided to make up for it with two new ones. 

For a while, she and Jesus thought they got one mom each. They had argued round and round about which Mom was better and who should get which one. It mostly got decided on the prettiest hair and number of cuddles. It never did get resolved but after a while it just faded from their list of daily worries. 

Instead Mariana focused on being everything her Mommys wanted her to be. It seemed clear to Mariana that her Moms must have been desperate for a daughter. Whoever wanted just boys for children? Her Moms liked rules and good behaviour and they smelt nice and looked pretty all the time. Brandon and Jesus ran about the house like wild animals but Mariana didn't want to risk breaking things. Jesus had a big collection of broken toys and ornaments under his bed that they couldn't tell anyone about, but Mariana's bed was completely clear. She remembers how cross she used to get with Jesus, scared that if their Moms rejected him, they would reject her too; and scared too that they would send him away without her. 

Timothy is saying something about making sure to read the book and not just watch the movie but Mariana is too busy thinking that she doesn't remember the old Mariana anymore. How do you remember who you were when you were 5 and mostly just terrified all the time? Mariana Guterriez got scrubbed out, if she'd even started to exist. She's been Mariana Foster for 10 years now. The only thing is, Mariana Foster was supposed to be perfect and she's not. The girl who's supposed to go along with that name doesn't match up anymore. She's been slipping, this last year, and now, it feels as though it's all coming down around her ears. She's been suspended. She's a drug dealer. Lexi left and Kelsey narked. She's got no friends. She has no idea whether boys like her or want to use her. EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND ALL JESUS WANTS TO DO IS WRESTLE WITH THAT GIRL EMMA WHO IS NOWHERE NEAR AS PRETTY AS LEXI. 

She composes herself by underlining her name at the top of the paper. She writes over the letters, scoring them deeper into the page. She adds a few twirls to the capital letters to soften the edges, but that mostly just makes it look childish. She resists the urge to cross out her name and rewrite it. It wouldn't look good to the teacher if it seemed like she'd made a mistake writing her own name. 

Instead, down the margin of the page, she writes out the names of all her family, starting with Lena and Stef and Mike, because she likes Mike and he danced with her at her Quinceanera and he is a Foster, and then Brandon and Jesus, Callie and Jude. She doesn't know if Callie or Jude will become Fosters by name so she writes Jacob Foster for each of them, just in case. She takes out her highlighter and draws neon strips over each of the surnames. 

Timothy tells them to write about home and belonging in their journals this week and the whole class groans because he's already set reading. Mariana saw the movie when she was younger. She loves Audrey Hepburn and the movie was really pretty and a bit sad. She's not sure she understood it though so maybe reading the book will help. She remembers afterwards she took her Simba teddy out into the garden as soon as it was raining and tried really hard to cry until Mama noticed she was there and came out to get her. She remembers her Mama reassuring her that the cat did get a name in the end. 

She's the same, she thinks. That's a little bit what it means to be fostered: to live with people you don't share a name with, people who can't guarantee they'll keep you. She looks down at her list of names as she packs her books away. It's different now though, being a Foster. All of her misdemeanours this year and she's still here, nobody's once suggested she'll be sent away. She smiles to herself as she heads out into the hallway. She's a Foster and she knows exactly what to write about belonging.


End file.
